Sour Alba

The BNP winning seats in the Euro elections puts the nail in the coffin of my belief in the United Kingdom. I know there are bigots aplenty in Scotland but I want no part in a country that elects fascists.

But this parody of a BNP video cheered me up greatly.

Remember, in the words of The Angelic Upstarts, “fascism doesn’t start with concentration camps, that’s where it ends”.

Gordon Brown’s troubled premiership last night suffered another blow with the news that a Chocolate Teapot was distancing itself from the Prime Minister “for the sake of its reputation”.

Sources close to the cacao-based container said it was “deeply concerned” about its standing within British politics if it continued to be associated with the Brown regime. 

This shock defection follows a slew of similar movs by key figures, including:

• One Legged Man at an Arse-kicking Competition
• Inflatable Dartboard
• Spare Prick at a Wedding

Friends of the PM moved to play down the split, saying: “I, uh, I mean the Primer Minister sees this as an opportunity to promote thrusting, new talent such as a Catflap in a Submarine and Fart in a Wind Tunnel.”

The row overshadowed an attempt by Mr Brown to defy his critics by organising a piss-up in a brewery – an event which featured a range of beverages supplied by the Temperance Society.

An earlier attempt to find his own arse with both hands and a map floundered due to a compass error.

Lord Foulkes has demonstrated how out of touch politicians are with public feeling by attacking BBC journalists for criticising MPs’ expenses. Sure, there are newsreaders who get paid more than most of us think they should. But they are not clearly on the fiddle, unlike some of George’s former colleagues in the Lower House.

Eeh, Tony Blair’s doing a rare job as Middle East peace envoy, isn’t he? No wonder his big pal Dubya is giving him the US’s highest civilian honour, the Order of the Useful Idiot.

Meanwhile, in the aforementioned Middle East, heads may be scratched as to what “peace” Bliar is being rewarded for. Israeli forces continue to pound Gaza, Hamas continues to fire missiles into Israel.

Do you think Dubya would be busying himself with baubles if, say, Iran was behaving in the way that Israel is?

Alex Salmond’s reaction to the Glenrothes by-election defeat imagined as the much parodied bunker scene from Downfall. Bad taste, lots of swearing, devastatingly hilarious regardless of your politics. Help me, I am crying with uncontrollable laughter.

“I need a chicken korma.” Pure unadulterated genius.

Labour’s Lindsay Roy has won the Glenrothers by-election, beating the SNP by more than 6,700. The Nats had been widely expected to win the seat despite the fact that it was once safe Labour territory and is next door to Gordon Brown’s constituency.

The result is important for two reasons:

• It makes it more likely that Gordon Brown will lead Labour into the next UK General Election. While a challenge has been unlikely since the arrival of the credit crunch, a defeat in his kailyard would have weakened him within the party.
• It makes an independent Scotland less likely – as the result marks a serious brake on the momentum of the Scottish National Party. 

What a close shave we’ve all had. It turns out that Sarah Palin thought Africa was a country, not a continent. She could have been a heartbeat from the presidency of the most powerful country in the world at a time when its president had a very dodgy heart.

Fox News knew this but in the spirit of right-wing journalism didn’t tell anyone until after the election was safely over.

The stunning events in Glasgow East show that Scottish Labour needs to hurry up and choose its new leader so the new incumbent can be hounded out in the wake of the party’s shaming defeat.