Sour Alba

The BNP winning seats in the Euro elections puts the nail in the coffin of my belief in the United Kingdom. I know there are bigots aplenty in Scotland but I want no part in a country that elects fascists.

But this parody of a BNP video cheered me up greatly.

Remember, in the words of The Angelic Upstarts, “fascism doesn’t start with concentration camps, that’s where it ends”.

Gordon Brown’s troubled premiership last night suffered another blow with the news that a Chocolate Teapot was distancing itself from the Prime Minister “for the sake of its reputation”.

Sources close to the cacao-based container said it was “deeply concerned” about its standing within British politics if it continued to be associated with the Brown regime. 

This shock defection follows a slew of similar movs by key figures, including:

• One Legged Man at an Arse-kicking Competition
• Inflatable Dartboard
• Spare Prick at a Wedding

Friends of the PM moved to play down the split, saying: “I, uh, I mean the Primer Minister sees this as an opportunity to promote thrusting, new talent such as a Catflap in a Submarine and Fart in a Wind Tunnel.”

The row overshadowed an attempt by Mr Brown to defy his critics by organising a piss-up in a brewery – an event which featured a range of beverages supplied by the Temperance Society.

An earlier attempt to find his own arse with both hands and a map floundered due to a compass error.

The Scotsman is dying. So is The Herald. Here are some notes towards a plan to save them – and all newspapers. I’d like to see a consortium to put this into practice and save Scotland’s native, quality, national press for the nation. This isn’t born out of delusion but rather a few discussions I’ve had with like-minded senior journalists who believe that the money can be raised and that this is last chance to save these two titles.

Labour’s Lindsay Roy has won the Glenrothers by-election, beating the SNP by more than 6,700. The Nats had been widely expected to win the seat despite the fact that it was once safe Labour territory and is next door to Gordon Brown’s constituency.

The result is important for two reasons:

• It makes it more likely that Gordon Brown will lead Labour into the next UK General Election. While a challenge has been unlikely since the arrival of the credit crunch, a defeat in his kailyard would have weakened him within the party.
• It makes an independent Scotland less likely – as the result marks a serious brake on the momentum of the Scottish National Party. 

The stunning events in Glasgow East show that Scottish Labour needs to hurry up and choose its new leader so the new incumbent can be hounded out in the wake of the party’s shaming defeat.

Apparently Gordon Brown thinks he’s Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights. The similarities are obvious : Byronic anti-hero driven wild by untamed passion and uncharismatic, prudence-obsessed bureaucat with a penchant for dropping his jaw open like a broken glove box.

Of course, he doesn’t say he is really like Heathcliff. No, even when it comes to literary characters Brown dithers. “Maybe an older Heathcliff, a wiser Heathcliff.”

An older, wiser Heathcliff. Wiser? Has Brown actually read the book? It is precisely because he lacks wisdom that Heathcliff is Heathcliff. A wiser Heathcliff makes as much sense as a more metrosexual James Bond, a more trustworthy Iago or a more laconic Stephen Dedalus.

But maybe Brown is truly like Heathcliff in one way. Perhaps we have misjudged him. Perhaps he is enacting a dark vengeance , the culmination of years of savage plotting after being spurned. Sadly for Labour, it was the party itself that spurned him by keeping out of the top job for so long. Now, he is exacting his revenge, wrecking its chances utterly.

I don’t know who’s tapping at the window but, sadly for Britain, David Cameron is hammering on the door. Given that Picture Of Dorian Thatcher scenario, you can’t blame Brown for retreating into fiction.

My second podcast. Longer than the first, now with added gratuitous and unsubstantiated claims of bestiality. Maybe.

 

 Sour Alba podcast 2: Scottish politics and donkey sex [5:13m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Another one bites the dust. Scottish Lib Dem leader, Nicol Stephen, has just quit. Says he wants “more time with my family”. Hmmmm, what does that really mean?

My money’s on Tavish Scott to succeed him.